It seems My blog has become a little less about me and more about what I like, which is fine and dandy, but I decided to put up a post that'd be a little more chill, and perhaps vent some frustration.
Well it's rather strange how close to the end things really are. I mean.. in eight weeks or so I'm gone from this place... That moment I've been begging for the past 3 and 3/4 years is kinda catching up to me. And it's fucking scary. I'm not even leaving town or home for that matter for another 4 years and i'm still kinda fucked up over it.
I mean honestly, I don't drive, I don't have a job, and I don't really know what the hell i'm doing with my life. I always seem to be a step behind everyone else, but i really try as hard as I can.
Another thing that starts to get to me is how everyone changes. The guy I was personally four years ago is nothing compared to the guy i've become.. I'm so far from what I was then it's scary to think of what it will be like after collage, but at the same time i'm excited for it. People change so much though, I've become more and more of a social outcast as every day passes and I feel like a lot of people are just pushing me further away from them. Ya see Highschool students really have no heart or mature sense about them. They see anyone excuting individuality and they decide to ostrosize them. What makes me different is that I won't play by the rules, and i'm not here to make anyone else happy.
What really struck me was a few weeks back I got to see a girl I used to love and know as my best friend. We met in the 7th grade, and she was really a pretty awesome person. She became insecure as the years went on and became a negative bullying kind of person. I never seemed to be able to say No to her though, And i'm not really sure why. Maybe it was because deep down I thought I loved her somehow some way. If I ever began to show any interest in her at all she'd shoot it down with negativity and make sure to make me aware of my differences from everyone in a somewhat joking manner, and played it off as this onging inside joke. I hadn't seen her in what felt like ages really... And when I did I was met with the harsh reality of what had become of her. I was really appaled at the way she spoke to me like we were still little kids, saying mean things about my hair and all sorts of things, I really felt like I was twelve again or something. this isn't something I will ever go through again because I feel really guilty for having put up with her shit this time around. I mean, I let myself down by submiting to her cruel stupid little immature shit, and I really don't feel bad for saying that. But really... Who's the changed one now? me...?
I've come into a circle of friends that I've never really had this year. A lot of my friends came to know one another and there's a group of about 12 of us or more that hang out and do what all teenagers do on weekends. [Sit around and read the bible ofcourse]. While we study up on our "scripture", I can't help but feel accepted for the first time in eons. My personal connection with everyone is somewhat limited, but It's the thing i've been seeking for about 17 years I think. It's really reminding me of That 70's Show with Eric's basement, only with more people obviously.
This one story can't escape my mind, and i've been kinda questioning what could've happened on this certain night not so long ago. We went to meet some people in a certain location where many other teenagers with nothing better to do on a Friday night go, to a certain parking lot not too unfamliar to me. I was somewhat nervous in this locale because at the time, we weren't exactly supposed to be there or thinking of doing what we were planning on later that night. Ofcourse about 3 minutes or so after we come to this location, a squad car drives into the lot and my friend that was driving decides to not so inconspiciously bolt from the scene in a orderly manner past the 5-0. Now i'm kinda relieved we're going and all, since we were already leaving when the squad car drove in, and we're turning out of the lot and my friend goes up over the fucking curb and almost nails a sign, The fucking squad car didn't see a thing. I would've been hit straight in the face with the sign had we ran into it too hard, I shouldn't have been doing what I was that night, and all the above. The amount by which I slipped by is not even measureable by the naked eye. This little incident has made me step back a little bit and look at what I'm doing before I do it.
I wrote some songs today with my good friend/band mate. This guy is insane, and can totally outplay me if he wanted to at guitar. We've got this insane chemistry and wrote two full songs in less than 5 hours. The only downfall to working with him is, his strict unforgiving music hating parents. They seem to find almost anything to kill this kids ego and creativity without any real reason. Not only does this hurt our band, it really just brings him down. He's the most talented musician i've ever met in my whole life, and I feel lucky that he wants to play music with me every time we jam. If you wanna hear what we wrote, listen to Storm the Gates and When We Were Young. They're amazing tracks and I can't believe we wrote them. They're not complete yet and a little sloppy, but They'll be much better in April at the ONE Night Benefit Show. I really can't wait to show them off tommarow at the rehersal.
I hope maybe this Blog is some kind of insight into me, and maybe people will be able to look past some of my image i've built up over the years. I don't want to change myself to please others, I want the world to accept me a little more for being individual. Just today a group of urbanly dressed african american guys came up to me, and one said that "this guy loves you mann" and laughed for no reason, and the other guy which he was referencing became insanly defensive and said "NO WAY MANN THAT GUYS A FREAK" and they all just laughed for no real reason. I don't understand why expression of ones self is so frowned upon. Is everyone really that shallow? I mean I honestly can't get any respect, and 95% of the time it seems to be african americans that make fun of me. All other races are much more tolerant. I believe it's the clash of values which makes me sound almost racist. It seems that the whole "ghetto urban hip hop culture" thing has been glorifying ignorence through rap music and brainwashing suseptable youth into becoming capitalistic thug gangster wanna-be kinda people. They idolize these mean rapper dudes who just want to hate eachother and shoot and kill eachother over something as stupid as money. Not to mention the trends it has set on to american youth. Wearing oversized clothing and talking as stupidly as possible is supposed to be "cool". This trend has crossed over into all gullible people, not limited to african americans alone, but it most definatly originated there. I really come to wonder what civil rights heros of the past have come to think of this. I mean, honestly they gave everything, sometimes even their lives to give these people freedom, and they abuse it to no end, and treat others with complete rudeness. I'm not a hateful person, I really try to be the most accepting individual as I possibly can. I put myself in everyones shoes, I'm not a judgmental person in the least. But something tells me more and more that maybe I should be.
That's all for now, I suppose i'll blog like this more often.... Comment if you wish.
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